Thursday, February 16, 2012

Don't Drink the Water


"Why does everyone think my hair is silly?" she asks this while twisting a curl. Her hair of three years is pulled up to the top of her head, and the curls fall lightly above her blueish-green eyes.

"Who says your hair is silly?" I ask, and kneel low to see her eye to eye. She shrugs in response.

"I don't want my hair to be silly."

Ok dear, I say. Ok. And I brush back the curls. I lower the ponytail. I kiss her cheek and tell her she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And she smiles. With one hand on her hip and a leg jutted out, "Mom, do you think I'm so cool?"

"I do, love. You're the coolest."

The bitter gall of insecurity. It's the worst tasting thing. I know it, because I've sipped from its brim for years now. I've come to understand that because of the gospel, God accepts me just as I am, but I'm not willing to make that bargain with myself.

And here's the absolute truth:
Sometimes I hate being me.



This is no lie.

I see photos. I see videos. I'm tagged on Facebook and I think the worst of what everyone else must think of me. I cringe, want to hide, and wonder how possible it is to leave society and be a hermit with my daughter.

I am torn between wanting to be loved and hoping no one notices me ever again.
I want to be wanted, to be at the top of someone's list,
while at the same time wish everyone would give up pretense and never return at my door.

I don't believe it when they say,
you're pretty
you're good
I like you.

In fact, I've doubted every word.

I've longed for someone to affirm me, yet I won't believe a word they say.
Give me an inch and I'll run away for a mile.

I don't know what the root of all this is. But there's no one thing that makes a girl reject every cell in her soul, heart and body. It's a bunch of tiny little things.  Things that I absorbed, took inside and placed in that room that says,

"These things might be true.
I'm not certain if they are.
I want to believe they're not true.
But if they are the truth, 
I should never forget them."

Somewhere along the way, my hips were too wide, my laugh too loud, my hair too fine, my stature too short. For others, it was the first time they rejected a meal and someone said "Good for you." Or when a well-meaning friend pinched your love handles and asked if you ate too much over the holidays. 

Small things.
Tucked away.
Gall in my drink.

She steps on the scale, her little feet hit the cool metal. A curly-haired girl who stares in the mirror and says, "I want my hair to be long." And her eyes stare down at the small ticking numbers.

"Ugh," I hear the little sound escape her lips.

No. Something in me cries. No.

No more tucking away. No more measuring. I've nursed this self-hatred parasite for so long that it's starting to seep. Every time I brush past her, I feel it looking for a new host. A new soul, heart, mind, beauty to devour.

And I curl her into my arms, throw the scale away, and pray for these rooms in our hearts to be cleared. Burned. Boarded up.

This cannot be fixed by a man. This cannot be repaired by a new workout regime. I am convinced that without God's grace to breathe life back into this wilting Eden in my heart, this world will eat us alive. 

16 comments:

  1. Andrea, I could write a book here. I identify with every single thing you have said. I've seen my own insecurity and fear become contagious and play upon my own daughters' hearts. So many times I've given up a new song and played the same old tapes over and over again.

    Love you.

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    1. THAT - "played the same old tapes over and over again." Let's burn those tapes, yeah? Thanks friend. I keep meaning to post over at SDG. I will next week with one of these :)

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    1. You my friend are a beauty and delight. Thank you.

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  3. So grateful for your honesty and this post. Thanks for letting God use you to remind the rest of us that we're not alone in our human-ness.
    I'm praying for you and sweet Maddie.

    Ps. WHY DO YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK!?!

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    1. thanks breana! i hoped that in writing this it would remind all of that we're in the same boat, fighting the same battles, and we can encourage one another to live differently. love you!

      p.s. i live here because God said to. :P

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  4. There's comfort in knowing that this is the same battle that we all are fighting. Everyone of us! Even men! That truth that we read in "So Long Insecurity" has been running through my mind all month...that we would recognize that we are already clothed in strength and dignity through Christ. Love you friend!!!!!

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    1. Yes! It's true! Thanks for this reminder friend! Love you!

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  5. Oh sweet girl........ You have no idea how your words touch my heart. You and your beautiful daughter are so very special. I would love to hug both of you right now. Hey about what Jen said, just rip all the tape out of the cassette and let it fly away in the wind.

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    1. I'm so encouraged by your words, Brenda! And I agree - let's just rip out that tape. Have a bonfire or something. ;)

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  6. "Sometimes I hate being me." This is me.

    "I see photos. I see videos. I'm tagged on Facebook and I think the worst of what everyone else must think of me. I cringe, want to hide, and wonder how possible it is to leave society and be a hermit". More me.

    "I am torn between wanting to be loved and hoping no one notices me ever again." Yep.

    Beautifully written.

    And the comment above where you said "I live here because God said to." Yep. (Of course that means I'm in Texas.)

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    1. Isn't it interesting how we all battle the same thing? I wonder how different the world would be if we truly loved eachother :)

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  7. Andrea, I've known a lot of women in these 56 years...and may I say this is a struggle I've seen in ALL of us...as sad as that is! May God help us to see ourselves through HIS eyes!!! Let's stop believing the lies of the enemy! Love you, and Maddie, so much!

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    1. It is sad, and I feel like the more we talk about it and call it what it is, the more (hopefully) we can move beyond it. Love you!!! :) :)

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  8. Wow. How this resonates... Such a battle. Daily!! To except oneself just as God made us. Without any embellishments––yikes. I think I will need help with this one uhh till the day I walk into Glory.

    But I too, am sick of the comparisons. The never good enough's. The unending imperfections...
    I am determined to come to the realization, ever so ploddingly, that Christ always looks at the inside girly and so should I. Our physical forms were designed by a masterful craftsman and it was deemed: well and good. And that is enough. No room for comparison. My new goal: concentrate my time and energies on the inside where my efforts, or I should say His, will actually be lasting, eternally noticeable, and much closer to that elusive thing called perfection. :))

    Wonderfully written and thank you for this reminder today!

    Jeanine

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    1. Yes!! I love this: "My new goal: concentrate my time and energies on the inside where my efforts, or I should say His, will actually be lasting, eternally noticeable, and much closer to that elusive thing called perfection." Thanks for stopping by Jeanine!

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