I should be jumping up and down for joy. I should be crying tears of gratitude.
But I'm not. I'm staring at my computer screen, typing words, feeling embarrassed and humbled. I heard someone say recently that sometimes in order to humble us, God allows us to be humiliated.
And I nod.
I'm writing out a thank you note to people who have generously met a need, and I'm trying to express to them my gratitude. My honest, "I don't know where I'd be with you" indebtedness.
Because I can't repay them. I don't even know their faces so I can't send them baked goods, or hug them, or look them in the eyes someday to try and prove that I've made a better situation out of life.
I have to accept the fact that I am in need, they met my need, nothing more, nothing less. No proving that I'm a good person. No proving that I can make a better thing out of my mess. No long conversations where they can see that otherwise, I know how to handle my life.
Sounds alot like grace, right?
Alot like Jesus?
I think that's the point.