::: (It seems impossible for me to tell everyone face to face before I post things here, or before they find out otherwise. Sorry friends if my phone calls or coffee dates didn't happen before this blog. And if I've seen you and haven't said anything, please know it was only because I didn't know how - didn't know when - didn't know if I should.):::
It feels like a part of me is dying.
I realize that sounds incredibly melodramatic. It's ok. You can say that. I know it is, a bit.
But it does feel like something inside of me is singed; fire-scorched even. I told a friend the other day, "I'm trying to keep my head up but it's getting hard."She reminded me, "You're allowed to put your head down....You know it's the beauty of grace...that we can put our heads down and give up."
This is not a giving up decision. But it's a hard one.
Sometimes want and wisdom do not lead down the same paths.
More so, I am continuing to learn that life is not as I thought it would be. It never is ((really)).
For some of you, this announcement won't ruffle your feathers at all. It will seem as though nothing has changed.
For others though, it means quite an adjustment. For you and me both.
I am moving.
There. I said it. The big three words I've yet to really get out without choking on my own tears or tearing open a hole in my jeans.
I. am. moving.
"Where?" is the next question.
To New York. The Empire State. To the mountains and waterfalls, creeks and trees.
Indeed, I have come so far and far I will continue to go. I don't know what lies beyond this decision. I can tell you that one year ago, I never would've imagined I'd be where I am today. If that's any sort of indicator, I can't even begin to predict where this narrow, winding path will lead me in 12 months... except it would appear to be passing through New York.
This decision has been ruminating for quite some time. Months of going back and forth, swinging from thrill at the idea to weeping for fear that it's true. Texas has become my home. This land — its colors, summer heat, sunrises, sunsets, sweeping winds and beautiful pride has won my heart. Wholly. Fully. Texas wasn't supposed to be a home, but it became one. I just assumed it was going to be home for awhile longer...
But it hasn't happened that way. It's not happening that way.
The occurrences that led me to this point are, for now, irrelevant. They are just tiny threads in a giant tapestry. Just brief notes in a story that started long before I showed up and will finish long after I'm gone.
So I am nearing the end of one chapter, to start another. Prayers appreciated. Begging your grace and patience as I sort out emotions, fears, questions and decisions...
(probably more frequently on this humble platform).
In case I haven't said it before,
from my little laptop home to yours,