Wednesday, August 1, 2012

How to Win Friends & Maybe Even Keep Them too.

(Reposting this from the archives. Not much as changed. Oi.)

Bad news.
Friendships with me are sometimes as awkward as a toddler learning to eat spaghetti with a spoon. I have had experiences with new friends where I feel like I do something like this. (Maybe not immediately. But in my head. Or in small doses. Or in my dreams.)

New friend: "Hi, my name is....."
Me: "Hey, yeah. Listen. Before we get started here, let's just lay it all out on the table. I hate {this}. I've done {this}. I believe {this}. So, if you're cool with all that, I'd like to be your friend. Whaddya say."
New friend: ... crickets crickets crickets.... 
Let's all say it together.... Neurosis! Yahoo!

So in the event I make new friends. And have the opportunity to meet them for coffee, here are all the things I want to say but won't say. 

1. I'm not good at small talk. I really suck at it. I get bored. I run out of things. Let's talk about real things like faith and dreams. Or cool, impossible things like CERN and parallel universes.
New friend: "Hey! How about that weather?"
Me: "I wonder if they still use chemtrails?"
New friend: "I love the sun!"
Me: "Me too! Did you hear that 2012 might be the worst year for solar storms?"
New friend: "What did you eat for breakfast?"
Me: "Really?"

2. You will be disappointed in me at one point or another. There will be a moment when you will think, "Wow, I really didn't expect that." That will be the moment that I'm referring to.

3. I hate the telephone, so please choose "calling me" as the last option. Unless you're crying, in which case, I will sit and listen as long as you need me to.

4. I overanalyze everything. When you say, "Sure, let me think about it" the wheels start. 
Did she mean, "I'll think about it because I'm not sure I really want to do that?" or does she mean, "I don't really want to tell you no, so I'm going to fake-lie and make you think I'm giving it real thought."

5. I probably will assume at one point or another that you don't want to be my friend. I don't know how to reverse this process of "pulling away/freak out/insecure damage control" when it starts. So. Sorry. It will look something like this...
New friend: "Hey! I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you?"
Me: "I, uh....."
New friend: "Are you ok? 
Me: "Sorry, were you saying something?"
New friend: "You're getting pale. Are you crying?"
Me: "Hahahaha! You're so funny!"
New friend: ... crickets crickets crickets ....

7. I'm neurotic. I say really random things. I will assume you are keeping up with me. Please tell me if you're not.  
Friend: "How was your day?"
Me: "Fine. Did you know that there is a holiday for antelopes in Russia?"
Friend: "Whaa?"
Me: "Do you want crepes?"
Friend: "Yeah, I love crepes!"
Me: "What? Are you doing ok?"
Friend: "I'm so confused."
Me: "Why?"
Friend: .... crickets crickets crickets...

8. You are my favorite. When I'm with you, you really are my favorite.

9. Sometimes when I'm not with you, you're still my favorite.

10. Sometimes you're not my favorite, but I still really love you.

If we, by some miracle, survive these things, I will love you forever and name my first born after you.

Oops. Nevermind on that last part. I'll just love you forever.


  1. Wait, did I write this in my sleep because it so sounds like it's describing me. We'd make good buds. Call me...maybe?

    1. Haha, didn't you see #3?? ;P So, here's my number...text me, maybe?

  2. i love reading your blogs. all of them. i really do. this one...this one made me miss you a lot. hope i get to see you this winter!!!

  3. You're too far for me to meet for coffee, but this list looks an awful lot like me, too.

    1. I raise my coffee mug to you across the miles. Here's to being the neurotic ones! ;P

  4. Smiling the whole way through this...loved it.