Thursday, November 17, 2011
"Write," she says, without hesitation.
"Yes, I know, it does help."
"You need to write," she says again, this time a little more firmly.
Sisters can do that. They can say things firmly, with love as the sweetening, and while you know you're being told what to do, it doesn't matter.
It's not yet light here where I am. I can see the outline of the morning clouds, and I know the city is waking up, but the night has not yet bid adieu.
It's almost Thanksgiving, and this morning, I feel my cup overflowing.
Sometimes, I know I can be a little much. I express gratitude at the simplest of things, and I feel like my heart is going to burst for joy. I've been teased about it, but I know they get it too. It's the hundreds of sunsets, the moon peeking out from clouds, holiday music and twinkle lights, meals shared, colored houses, Saturday mornings.
I am looking back at a year that could've been harder than it was. There seemed to be plenty of doors that could have led to disaster and tears, heartache and frustration, and instead I have found good.
I started this year telling this one that I know God is good, and I know He does good, but I doubt that I will see good for me, for us, in this lifetime. I have become slightly reconciled to the possibility that while He works all things together for good, it doesn't mean I'll get to see or enjoy them all.
And then I look back at this year, the very year, in a way, I rested in simply being grateful instead of wanting more.
And then, something happened.
He gave me good without my even expecting it. In the middle of a move across the United States, I found that His grace was poured out without measure. In the small apartment where we settled in the late winter months, I found solitude to be a worthy companion. My sister and I shared a few months of being in the same town. My parents as neighbors were blessings and friends. It was rich.
And then He brought me here.
All of this so I can see that He is still good even when I can't say, "See? I knew he would do this things for me." No, He has been good because He wants me to say, "See? Even without my open hands, He gave." (Surprise: It has nothing to do with me. God is in the God-proving, God-exalting, God-pointing business.)
There are still things, questions, doubts I have that I wrestle with, look at, wonder about, and openly discuss. I am not sure about so many things on the road that lies ahead of me — but this I know... the road behind me was hard, narrow, ohsobeautiful and good.
My count has been a slow gathering.
But grace fills up. Still. Always. Ever on.
:: white Christmas lights.
:: a city that feels more and more like home.
:: work to keep my hands busy.
:: white hydrangeas.
:: coffee and books on park benches.
:: toddler tap shoes.
:: old buildings.
:: new faces, new names, God-given people.
:: nutella. (need i say more?)
:: Bing Crosby.
:: Chinese food.
:: the onset of a beautiful holiday season.
:: soy lattes in small cafes.
:: finished road construction (for now).
:: inspiration and ideas for work.
:: the best clients in the world.
:: grace, grace, always grace.
at 10:00 PM