You have learned something. That always feels at first as if you had lost something. ~ H.G. Wells

About 90% of the time, I am either thinking or actually saying outloud, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

The other 10%, I am misguided in my confidence, because even then, I probably don't know what I'm doing.

Take raising a little human. No one gives you books on how to do this. Actually, I take that back. They do. And trust me, the moment you decide to do some "research", you will inevitably be swallowed in the black hole of parenting theories, discipline tactics and "how to raise a genius child" books. Most of these are still being tried and tested, and we'll probably hear in 20 years how wrong they all are.

So what to do when my two-year-old is already weighing the consequences of her decisions, and sometimes chooses "not the greatest" option and then walks herself to timeout? I laugh, and think "Next time, I'll should try something else."

This I have no idea what I'm doing thing seems to be popping up everywhere...

I feel it most when I sit down to work on a contract. Or a budget (ick). I feel it when a new client contacts me and I fudge my way through half the details. I feel it when I see other people my age doing things that seem stable, settled, "normal" and I begin to wonder when I missed the boat to adulthood.

I think it when I write e-mails and try to sound more sensible than I actually am. Or when someone asks me a question about "How do you..." and I answer it with that misguided confidence, wondering deep down if I really know what the heck I'm talking about.

Because it seems the more I'm learning, the less I know.

my small stack of work today including a book about things i need to learn,
annual reports to write articles about and a book of to-do lists.

Just wondering if this ever goes away.

(Ima gonna go bake some bread. At least I know I know how to do that.)