Monday, September 27, 2010

The Apartment Gym.

(Monday's Gratitudes are coming tomorrow. I'm flipping it because I needed to work on that post a bit more before subjecting you to its complete and total lack of inspiration.)

Let me preface all this by saying I'm only in week 4 of "Stop Being Lazy." I'm not a fitness-freak by any stretch of the imagination and I'm still the new kid at this party.

But people of ******* Complex, we should all have a sit-down talk.

I realize we're all dealing with the fact that:
a. we can't afford Lifetime Fitness with their totally amazing shiny equipment, pools and really really good-looking trainers.
b. we don't all love watching GMA but it's the safest show to turn on at 8 a.m.
c. we are at least AT the gym.
But, a few of you are making this whole "SBL" plan entertaining awkward nerve-wracking scary interesting.

1. Girl who shows up in full workout gear to walk for two minutes on treadmill, one minute on elliptical and then grabs a sweatcloth... do you really think I can't see you? I know I'm all "oh, I have my earbuds in and I look like I'm totally zoning out with Muse," but I can see you. I don't understand you. I get it if you were new here, but you do this once a week. On Wednesdays. I just don't get it.

2. Teenagers who come in and walk backwards on the treadmill and have full conversations about...well, nothing really. I didn't like you that much in high school. I'm still not a huge fan now.

3. Cleaning lady... *sigh* I've really been dreading this conversation. Every time you clean my elliptical while I'm on it, or vacuum underneath the weight machine I am on, I feel really awkward. In fact, I'm not sure if I should acknowledge you or ignore you. But the icing on the cake was when I walked into the the single-stall bathroom and ran into you after you had just used the toilet. That interaction has made every following encounter even more awkward for me. Let's just agree to go our separate ways, ok?

4. Grunting men. Why? Why are you grunting? It's gross.

5. Very, old frail woman who tried the elliptical... you made me very, very, very nervous. I admire your ambition. But I think you realized at the same time the rest of us did that the elliptical is just not the best option for you. I'm sorry you had an audience. I cared very much for you in that moment, as I'm sure the insurance company would have as well.

6. Really fit, blond haired girl who comes to "walk slowly" on the treadmill in a pink tanktop and sweatpants that have the word "sexy" stretched across your butt... You make me want to lock myself in my bathroom with a bowl of cookie dough. Just go away.

7. Girl who sweats like a man and wears really bright white sneakers and trips on the elliptical ... oh wait, that's me.

So fellow fitness friends ... I will continue to come back. Mostly because I have no other option and I'm just committed. But no promise that you won't appear in another blog.


  1. We grunt cuz it HURTS!

  2. this cracks me up! I enjoy your blog - you're posts are always great.

  3. @soap addict — thanks! glad i could make you smile! :)