Sunday, September 19, 2010

Things I Wish I Could Say at the Beginning of a Friendship:

Bad news. Friendships with me are sometimes as awkward as a toddler learning to eat spaghetti with a spoon. I have had experiences with new friends where I do something like this.
New friend: "Hi, my name is....."
Me: "Hey, yeah. Listen. Before we get started here, let's just lay it all out on the table. I hate {this}. I've done {this}. I believe {this}. So, if you're cool with all that, I'd like to be your friend. Whaddya say."
New friend: ... crickets crickets crickets.... 
Let's all say it together.... Neurosis! Yahoo!

So in the event I make new friends. And have the opportunity to meet them for coffee, here are all the things I want to say but won't say. 

1. I'm not good at small talk. I really suck at it. I get bored. I run out of things. Let's talk about real things like faith and dreams. Or cool, impossible things like CERN and parallel universes.
New friend: "Hey! How about that weather?"
Me: "I wonder if they still use chemtrails?"
New friend: "I love the sun!"
Me: "Me too! Did you hear that 2012 might be the worst year for solar storms?"
New friend: "What did you eat for breakfast?"
Me: "Really?"

2. You will be disappointed in me at one point or another. There will be a moment when you will think, "Wow, I really didn't expect that." That will be the moment that I'm referring to.

3. I hate the telephone, so please choose "calling me" as the last option. Unless you're crying, in which case, I will sit and listen as long as you need me to.

4. I overanalyze everything. When you say, "Sure, let me think about it" the wheels start. 
Did she mean, "I'll think about it because I'm not sure I really want to do that?" or does she mean, "I don't really want to tell you no, so I'm going to fake-lie and make you think I'm giving it real thought."

5. I probably will assume at one point or another that you don't want to be my friend. I don't know how to reverse this process of "pulling away/freak out/insecure damage control" when it starts. So. Sorry. It will look something like this...
New friend: "Hey! I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you?"
Me: "I, uh....."
New friend: "Are you ok? 
Me: "Sorry, were you saying something?"
New friend: "You're getting pale. Are you crying?"
Me: "Hahahaha! You're so funny!"
New friend: ... crickets crickets crickets ....

7. I'm neurotic. I say really random things. I will assume you are keeping up with me. Please tell me if you're not.  
Friend: "How was your day?"
Me: "Fine. Did you know that there is a holiday for antelopes in Russia?"
Friend: "Whaa?"
Me: "Do you want crepes?"
Friend: "Yeah, I love crepes!"
Me: "What? Are you doing ok?"
Friend: "I'm so confused."
Me: "Why?"
Friend: .... crickets crickets crickets...

8. You are my favorite. When I'm with you, you really are my favorite.

9. Sometimes when I'm not with you, you're still my favorite.

10. Sometimes you're not my favorite, but I still really love you.

If we, by some miracle, survive these things, I will love you forever and name my first born after you.

Oops. Nevermind on that last part. I'll just love you forever.


  1. Ok,
    1. This post is hilarious and made me laugh outloud.
    2. You sent me a text that I think I have not responded to yet which makes me worried that we could be experiencing #5 which is so not the case! I love you tons and tons!
    3. I pretty much have all the same issues with new friendships as you do. I want them to be instant deep relationships that have the safeness of a tried and true blue friend...I want to say...can we just skip the beginning and go to the middle???
    4. I ESPECIALLY liked #3 because I am the EXACT same way!!!!
    5. Do you still love me even though I have no idea what CERN is???

  2. 1. joy
    2. if i am pale and weepy next time you see me, let's just move onto a good topic of convo
    3. let's skip the beginning! yay! (didn't we do that already?)
    4. yep. no phone calls. awkward-central.
    5. i love you AND i will educate you! more joy!

  3. wow! that was a good and random one! but i do have to say that you make yourself sound a whole lot more awkward or intimidating or something than you actually are! i think you and i might have survived all of that and more! on both sides! :) so looks like we are friends forever aaaaand you can name your second born after me! so there ya go!

    ps. i might be really annoyed by the whole cern discussion ONLY because i hear about it all day every day from another source! :)

  4. So I know you, and you know me. no explanations needed! *laughing* :)

  5. I personally believe that if everyone was this upfront the world (mainly my world) would be a much better place.
    I feel like it is great to be like here is my stuff, here is your stuff. Then I know from day one how much they are willing to invest in me and how much i am willing to invest in them. Perhaps, people could just have shirts made that list it all out. Then I don't even have to work on a conversation to draw it out :)

    love you. love your heart.

    Also, the last time I was in Nashville, the city told me it wanted to see you. So do I.

  6. kristen — we are friends for-eva! :) and i try to avoid talking about CERN stuff with you only b/c i know you hear it all the time.

  7. Dee — you know me well! :P

    Christy — I've considered the t-shirt thing. Seriously, I have. And Nashville is kinda shouting my name these days... so I think I need to have a date or something.

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  9. Oh Andrea, I just love how real you are and I knew it the moment we met. Don't change. I can't stand small talk either. Hugs to you.

  10. Miss Ginger — you're the kind that sticks through it. I just know it :)

  11. If I had known this, we might have had a much different relationship. I hate small talk too, but feel like people will think I'm a weirdo if I dive into the deep end of the pool.