Thursday, September 16, 2010

bro-ken: subdued or brought low in condition or status

Every so often I think,
this is really not what I wanted.

I know this is selfish, discontent, pity, grumbling, complaining, etc.,

but really, this is really not what I wanted.

This silence. This cool bed. These solitary hands. This absence. This giant, gaping hole.

Just not.

I liked being a wife. It fit me really well. 

I liked being domestic. Cooking dinners. Making a comfortable home for a man who worked, sometimes really, really hard to the point of exhaustion. We didn't have a really great marriage. We didn't have a really great story at all, actually. 

It was messy. Ugly. Filled with all the pieces that I wish I could undo. But I tried really hard to make it pretty.

This whole thing. This empty left-hand ring finger is not what I wanted.

It's what I got instead that I find more amazing.

Because, as much as I liked being a wife, I find the abundance of grace and forgiveness more beautiful. Somehow, starting over has meant so much more than just my own story. I find the restoration in broken relationships with people I hadn't talked to in five years to be a very bittersweet, emotional, God-exalting thing.

I'm learning that I don't have to try to hide what I thought I needed to prove.

It turns out the Father does run to the son (or in this case, daughter), who stumbles back onto the property, searching for some kind of relief. 

What a moment to discover that falling short of everything I wanted is precisely what I needed. 

I think that's a good place to start.


  1. I love you. I love our heavenly Father that runs. I love that we are talking. I love that my box is stretched. I love the treasure He gives us when the dust and dirt is blown and washed away.

  2. I;m sitting at a coffee shop reading your post trying not to cry. I can relate to that posting 100%. Just beautiful.

  3. Lisa - my heart aches with yours and celebrates with your victories. Sorry to almost cause a coffee shop cry. Those are hard to hide! :)

  4. Yer pretty much a fav of mine. That's all.