{this nest}: Friendship That Gives Value to Survival... (CS Lewis)

i have some amazing friends. over the next few weeks, i'll introduce you to some of them. i'll show you their faces. tell you bits of their stories.

on long summer nights, when we sit in circles with wine and coffee flowing, i feel a little bit jealous of myself.

yes i know. i'm jealous of myself.

(go ahead and say it... i'm weird.)

it's this strange out-of-body thing that says, "you have no idea how good you have it. you should be reveling in this community."

but the truth is, i don't. not all the time. sometimes i do, with open ears and a soul that absorbs the pure beauty of what we are — family. friends. journey-mates.

then there are nights like tonight. he says, "are you alright?" and i know the real answer should be

no.
not really.
i feel this heavy weight sometimes on my heart and i pray for grace to the next moment and hope it lifts.

but instead i meekly smile, nod, and hope he won't ask anything further lest i burst into a puddle of sad, desperate tears.

girls — you know how you look at those pictures from 10 years ago when you thought you were "fat"? now, that body looks to be about as hot as Hollywood and you realize it. "i had no idea."

i sometimes i wonder if i'll think that about these days. (not my body mind you. i know this aging flesh is not as hot as Hollywood). yet, i'll see these young faces. full of dreams. future. hope. i'll scroll through photos, misty-eyed, jealous of me.

not to say i won't enjoy rich community in the future, but these days, i just know it, they are sustaining me without my knowledge. they are bringing life without my continual participation. that's something beautiful.

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.-- Samuel Johnston