a sweet, sweet thing

it's a terrible feeling to realize you don't trust anyone.

but that's what i feel lately. second-guessing text messages from dear friends. doubting obvious statements of life.

thinking everyone i interact with is keeping secrets. hiding things. lying to my face.

i suppose that's a normal part of this whole thing. this next phase of letting real life sink in just a little bit more.

i'm not really sure how to believe you. that's what's in my head. even when you say, i promise, i'm prone to be further convinced you are a liar.

because i've been lied to.
because i've been a liar.

sara groves sings a song on her new album, fireflies and songs, called "different kinds of happy."

in it, she says:

it's a sweet, sweet thing
standing here with you and nothing to hide
light shining down to our very insides
sharing our secrets, bearing our souls,
helping each other come clean

the older i get, the more i love honesty.

i crave it.  

i am learning that without it, nothing is worth building, fighting for, hoping, believing in.

so i say all this to tell you, i'm not ok with being cynical. i'm not content to stay doubting and distrustful. it's immature. it's reactionary. it's selfish.

i'm not going to let this be a root that gets in me, tearing up my soul and spirit. it's getting yanked out before it goes deep.

and i'm starting by being honest.

right now, i don't know how trust you.