in the wee small hours of the morning

i think about today. it's all i have really. it's all you have, too. this morning, i woke up to the hum of the ceiling fan, spinning wildly above my bed. from the other side of the apartment, i could hear madeleine's noise machine... swishing and mimicking the ocean's waves.

this is my life now. the early morning hours of solitude. the first cry from her tiny mouth. the duties that fall to me alone now. i allow myself a few moments to either breathe a sigh of relief or whimper out a small cry and plea for an extra measure of grace.

but this is my life.

the past 4 months have been a series of crossroads after crossroads. and with each turn i take, the life i used to know is farther and farther in the distance. i could either walk backwards, looking longingly at that which used to be. or i do what i'm doing, turn around, face forward, take an occasional glance backward to see how far i've come... but trod on with determination.

my life has changed. is changing. will change.

and in these quiet moments between me and the ever-present Spirit in the mornings, i'm grateful for this pain. i ask Him to cradle my bleeding heart, to restore things that were stolen, violated, wounded and in fact... maybe he could just give me a whole new heart. i'm about due.